Tag Archives: life

a big fat A-hole

a big fat A-hole

leslie moreland gaines, “documentary filmmaker,” con man, artistic failure, hypocrite, and all around evil son of a bitch

7 Comments

April 24, 2014 · 11:16 am

Then, I started blogging. It was the accumulation of all of my dreams come true.

Then, I started blogging. It was the accumulation of all of my dreams come true..

1 Comment

Filed under recommended reblogs

twelve songs for a broken ankle, a poem

twelve songs for a broken ankle, a poem.

Leave a comment

Filed under health, mysterious, poetry, prose poetry

Monster to Monster, a poem

illustration monster to monster

Monster to Monster

I did you a favor
to let you go, to push you away,

to release you. You were too conscious
to be my mate. I need someone

who doesn’t think so much,
who is impervious to my suffering.

Even with someone like that,
I feel I am too painful to be borne.

It is a bigger thing than both of us
being monsters. The words I write

are my gift to you, the only thing
I can possibly give now. I took

so much, I have to give something
back. Even if I am a monster,

do you think that means I don’t
suffer when contemplating

my monstrosity? You think because
I did not stay, I did not love.

I loved as much as any wounded
creature can. I loved as much

as a woman without a whole heart
can love. I loved you in my way,

the only way I have.

1 Comment

Filed under mysterious, poetry

MY ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY

of, like, not dying!  from a nonmalignant brain tumor!  in my frontal lobe, 35 cms. in diameter, had been there for between 17 & 34 years, they said.  donated the tissue to UF’s mcknight brain institute thingie, took a month to cry, woke up, started asking for stuff i’d forgotten i enjoyed because i just thought i was tired all the time, my husband dumped me, that’s okay, he needed dumping his own damned self!  so, here i am, 53, alive, happy, energetic, writing TONS, making new friends, etc. etc. etc.  and, like getting my ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE back in order, which hubby darling had let slide during his ten years of freeloading off me!  like, everything he wanted got done, and basically nothing i wanted got done.  so, there was that little tidbit.  but, to get back to the point, like, dude, i am totally alive & enjoying myself!  for the first time in probably 20 to 25 years!!!!!  or whenever that frontal lobe thingie started affecting me.  how big does something in the most sensitive, the most HUMAN part of the brain have to be to affect you?  probably not all that big.  so, you can see how by the end of that little “episode” i was SORT OF TIRED.  not tired now.  and single!  and happy!  and, i have a really super hot boyfriend!  who is NICE TO ME!  who wants me to succeed at what I THINK IS IMPORTANT.  so, like, damn!  things are looking up!!!!!!

5 Comments

Filed under health, humor, mysterious, notes, science

Under the Stars, a poem

illustration under the stars

Under the Stars

My daughter and I are in a tent. We’re sweaty and tired, trying to sleep. Her father & I divorced two years back. This is my daughter’s second camping trip without him. The first, last year, was a disaster… pelting rain & wet dogs, and the fiancé I ended up hating.

All this afternoon, other parents kept joking, Is it time to turn in yet? A lot of times I feel I’ve ruined her life. It’s been a long, long day — hiking, cooking, comforting children.  They are so excited to be in the woods until the sun goes down. Married or single, my misery remains about the same.

My stomach hurts, my beautiful daughter says. My head hurts. I can’t get comfy. Was it a bad idea to come here? Was it a bad idea to marry her father? A screech owl calls, breaking the quiet with startling beauty. Of course not. I have my daughter.  I just don’t ever want to be that miserable & that alone again.

What’s that? she says, scared. Her fears appear and disappear just like that owl’s voice.

Just an owl, I tell her. I’m not a good mother. She’s eight, she can’t stay awake forever.

That wasn’t so bad after all, my beautiful little girl says in the morning. I am the opposite.  I dream of peace but wake to fear.

5 Comments

Filed under poetry

Life: It’s all about finding your Tribe

*love*

Amy's avatarYours Truly, Amy

Life, when it’s boiled down, it comes to one ultimate goal…to fit in, to BELONG!

From the playpen to playground and beyond in the big, wide grown-up world we strive to find that group, however big or small, that makes us feel accepted, loved, understood, appreciated and that we matter: Our Tribe.

For most of us our tribe starts with family, who else really can make you laugh like them, I for one, haven’t come across many who can make me laugh til I make no sound quite like my nearest and dearest.

They know your story and you know theirs. They have your back (most of the time) and when life throws you a curb ball they pick you back up, dust you off and smack you on the bottom to play another day.

Some of us, however, do not care to be members of their family’s tribe and…

View original post 752 more words

Leave a comment

Filed under recommended reblogs

Jack, the Triple War Veteran, a nonfiction

illustration triple war veteran

Jack, the Triple War Veteran, a nonfiction

I met Jack, the 91-year-old, 52-years-of-service-including-3-wars, Army veteran on May 31st, 2013, approximately two months after I “woke up” from what was [then] my life, when I went to go fill my mom-mobile (white minivan) with mid-grade gasoline products (it may be only a mom-mobile, but i have a NEED FOR SPEED) at the Gate convenience store/gas station two blocks or so from my house.  I saw him sitting over by the vacuum/air/water station, on the round, concrete base of a streetlamp, his sleek, black, wheeled walker/chair thingie so piled up with odds and ends of clothes, shoes, and bags of snacks that it looked more like a shopping cart from across the parking lot.  His hair and beard were striking:  long, silvery white, shiny and silky and clean.  He looked like a very trim, fit Santa Claus, and when I first saw him, I would never have guessed he was 91 years old.  I approached him because I am what some people call a “bleeding heart liberal,” that is, my heart sort of sags and melts when I am confronted with people having needs that, to them, loom insolvable, and in actuality can be solved with a couple of $5 or $10 bills.

“Sir,” I said, “I don’t want to offend you in any way, but do you need anything?  Can I do anything for you?  Anything at all?  Do you need a few bucks, maybe?”

“Honey,” he said.  “I’ve been saving my money all my life!”  He took his wallet out, showed me a bunch of folded bills, and pulled a big stack of quarters out of his shorts’ pocket.  Jack was born in West Virgina, called himself a good, old hillbilly.

“Jack’s a great name,” I said.  “One of my grandpas was named Jack.”

“They named me after the dog!” he said.

“Well, they must have loved that dog,” I said.  “It must have been a terrific dog!”

“They still named me after the dog,” he said.  I have named pets after people, and wanted to do the reverse, just never had the actual opportunity.  (Wait for it!)

“I went to West Virginia once,” I said.  “I was in Morgantown.”

“The University of West Virginia!” he said.

“I know, it’s a beautiful town,” I said.  “And the state is beautiful, all those green hills.”

Turns out, he’s hanging out at the convenience store to get away from his daughter.  “She wants me to be the child, and her to be the parent, now,” he said.  “I’m too old for that!”

“I hear you,” I said.  “Does she know where you are?”

“I don’t really want her to,” he said.  “She lives right down the street, in a house I bought her back in 1972.”

He named his first rifle Miss Betty….

He was with Patton in N. Africa, at just 18 yrs. old, he was for a brief time Patton’s assistant?  Patton’s army was chasing Rommel, he and Jack started arguing over which way Rommel should to go; they disagreed (he & Patton) but Jack turned out to be right.  In a rage, Patton grabbed his (Jack’s) rifle once & shot into the air with it.  Yes, I could see General Patton doing such a thing.  Hahaha.

His daughter, whom he is on the lam from, is nicknamed BooBoo:  she got that nickname because as a baby she’d hide behind cabinets, furniture, poke her head out & say Boo, Daddy, Boo!

He is not married now, he likes it that way, nobody telling him what to do.

When I told him how nice he looked, how he didn’t look 91 at all:  “I take care of myself!  I’ve got to!  People say I’m a loner, but it’s three of us:  me, myself and I.”

God’s on his right shoulder, sometimes God tells him things, what to do or not to do:  sometimes he doesn’t listen, does what he wants, not what God says.  Later, he hears God saying, I told you so.  God has blessed him.  Every time we shook hands, me trying to exit stage right because my own 15 year old BooBoo was at home waiting for me to get back, he said, “God bless you,” and I said, thank you so much.  His eyes, the pale clear blue of a child’s, the twinkle of a child’s, the mischievous, rascally soul shining out of them.  But a good, good man.  Stationed all over the world and the United States of America.  The state of Florida was the site of his last posting.  He got misty-eyed thinking about one of his predeceased children, another daughter, however, he did not mention her name, and because of aforementioned misty-eyed-ness, I did not ask.

They once had a terrible episode of anthrax on the farm, when he was a child?  The cow had to get shots from the vet, they couldn’t use the cow’s milk for 6 weeks, then it was OK.  That cow gave so much milk, she had to be milked three times a day, not just two.

He wore dog tags, wouldn’t let me look at them:  “the last person that sees these is the one who’s supposed to bury me.”

“Well, I certainly don’t want to be the last to see them, then,” I said.

A student buying beer stopped & handed him a tall cold water bottle.  Jack thanked the boy warmly, saying “God bless you,” then after the boy walked off, he handed me the bottle.

“Aren’t you going to need this?” I asked him, concerned.

“I’ve got everything I need right here,” he said, pointing to his loaded “sulky,” a plastic grocery bag hanging:  was that the water?  “Besides,” he said, “that’s too cold.  And besides, I really like beer.”

“But you might need this water later,” I protested.

“Look,” said Jack, “he gave it to me, I’m giving it to you.  I’m just in the middle.”  I had to accept, gracefully, so I did, but I still felt a bit guilty.  The gift was Jack’s, but he wouldn’t keep it, he had to pass it along to me.

The store clerk, a young African American lad, came out to check on us; I think he wanted to make sure I wasn’t endangering Jack.  Jack handed him a huge pile of quarters, asked if he’d bring him out some beer.

“What kind?” the young man asked.

“O.P.,” Jack answered.

The clerk was confused.  “What’s that?” he said?

“Other people’s,” laughed Jack.

“I think he means it really doesn’t matter what kind of beer you bring him,” I said to the young man.  So he went inside with the money, came back out with a boxed six-pack & Jack’s excess change.

A woman, with a hard-lived look, came over to talk to us.  She knew Jack already, addressed him by name.  She was also a veteran, Operation Desert Storm.  She asked me if I could spare some gas money.  “It’s the end of the month,” she explained, “and I’m coming up short.  I just have to make it a few more days.”

“Sure,” I said, relieved that I could at least give her something, fulfill the impulse that had brought me over to Jack.  I went to my purse, grabbed a ten dollar bill.  While I was doing that, I saw Jack getting his money out to give her some, too.  He brought out a fiver.  Jack and I handed her the money, she shook my hand & thanked us both, and went to pump her gas.

Jack was dressed like a cool surfer guy; shorts with a nice braided belt, no shirt, his dog tag necklace, a pinky ring carved out of some sort of jade on his right hand, a couple of funky/hipster/hippy bracelets on his left wrist.  Quite fashionable looking, and I couldn’t get over the condition of his hair; silky & clean & shiny & sparkling silver, and the same with the beard, it grew to a natural point just below his breastbone.  The only long beard I’ve ever seen that looked beautiful!  His skin was amazingly smooth & healthy looking, considering the amount of sun exposure he must’ve seen!  I mean, he was 91 and he had very little sun damage, not many wrinkles, though of course a bit of sagging around the jowls.  No frown lines!  His only physical flaw was some missing teeth; it was apparent he could have had dentures or a bridge if he’d wanted them, but I think he was more comfortable without.

When I was leaving, I blew him a kiss.

“I’d rather have the real thing,” he chuckled.

“I can’t,” I said, “I’m married.”  We both laughed then.  If I had known that day, May 31st, that my husband was going to dump me, unceremoniously, in front of the yard man, in the side driveway, I certainly would have kissed him (Jack!), full on the lips!  Like, a billion times!

[If he’d had all his own teeth, not only might I have given him a closed-mouth smooch, but I probably would have tried somehow to fix him up with my former mother-in-law who live[d] in my attached guest house (that I built for her & her husband, who died 3 years ago, but who would be 91 now) (who was the only decent person in THAT entire FUCKING FAMILY).  Said former “mother in law”
was, and is still, an ignorant idiot and would have been put off by Jack’s missing teeth.  Plus, she is, as we used to say in middle school, “mental.”]  *ahem*  NO FURTHER COMMENT PERMITTED, BY LAW.  Did you know, that for IRS purposes, you can NEVER GET RID OF AN IN-LAW?  Once an “in law” for tax purposes, always an “in law.”  The law presupposes that divorced persons might still have attachments to one another’s family members.  Hahahahaha.  Isn’t that FUNNY?????

Oh, P.S.  I, myself, now have a dog named… wait for it… JACK, a rescue from the Dixie County, Florida animal rescue organization, a sweet one-year-old weimaraner/yellow lab mix!  Jack the dog’s eyes are yellow/green & deep….

Oh, and P.P.S.  And you’re not going to believe this!  On the way to present this piece at an “open mic” at Coffee Culture on 13th Street in Gainesville, Florida, the fabulous Tristan Harvey, emcee & manager of the joint, in any case, ON THE WAY TO THE FUCKING OPEN MIC, i ran in to jack, on the way!  it was raining, i pulled over & asked him if he needed a ride.  he said no, i said, isn’t your name jack, and HE LIED BECAUSE HE THOUGHT I WAS THERE CAPTURING HIM to take him back to his daughter!!!!!!

GODDAMNED TRUE STORY.  BELIEVE IT, OR NOT.

um, but if you know what’s good for you, you’ll take my written words as GOSPEL TRUTH.

5 Comments

Filed under health, humor, legal writing, mysterious, notes, poetry, prose poetry, science, short stories

Friday, ‎June ‎14, ‎2013, ‏‎3:24:22 AM

illustration wholeness reblog

http://doingisbeing.com/category/conscious-health-care/

“we are all the universe manifested through a human nervous system and becoming self-aware; going beyond your ego-encapsulated identity; the secret of healing is the secret of enlightenment; healing is the return of the memory of wholeness; when you’re holy, you’re healed; when you’re healed you lose the fear of death; the best way to reach enlightenment is through the yoga of meditation; cosmic ideas; when you hear them over & over again, at first you may not understand them; but they cause a shift in your consciousness & everything changes.”

4 Comments

Filed under health, mysterious, notes, recommended reblogs, science

the sword is a weapon of love, a poem

illustration sword is a weapon of love illustration sword is a weapon of love globe hand

The Sword is a Weapon of Love

(originally published in Stark Raving Sanity)

 

Brutal insight into a relationship occurs when the beloved

vomits in the bed… what can be borne, is, what cannot, dies.

Onslaughts of clarity come in the small hours like chest pains.

Can love survive endless trips to buy food?

 

Control your feelings — tie your hands together behind your back,

don’t pick up that stone.  Family is a genetic firestorm, shelter

yourself in a den carved out of solid rock.  Money is what creates evil.

A man I know lies whenever he can, if it will save a buck.

When you cannot decipher the callings of your heart

and soul, listen to loud music.

 

My grandmother left me a pair of silver goblets, which I

refuse to polish… I drank out of them on my wedding day —

they turned black instantly.  Beware of men

with black hair and dark eyes.  Beware of men who covet

objects of beauty, including you.  Their first

priority on the list of acquisitions is marriage.

 

When you have two opposing desires, do nothing.

Do first the one, then the other, if possible.

Take both paths simultaneously, and lie to everyone.

 

Beware of men who accuse you of interrupting.

If you fast for a day, you will experience quick and forceful change in your life.

The sword is a weapon of love. To be cut is to love deeply.

I know a man who hanged himself. His wife cut him down with his own sword.

 

In the bathroom, use lots of soap, feel emotionally cleansed.

Watch the moon, record it daily, change the color of your hair often.

Let the vines grow over the top of your roof, they will

penetrate your attic and a small wilderness will evolve over your head.

 

Always have a globe nearby to help you feel small.

Whenever you are embarrassed, take all your clothes off.

This will help you to remember what is really important.

Leave a comment

Filed under love, men, mysterious, poetry, relationships, sex, soul, spirit, spiritual, women