Category Archives: assholes

Pretzels & Chocolate, a poem

jim-valvis

PRETZELS & CHOCOLATE

(rented room, cigarettes)

I am eating pretzels
and they are hard
but splinter into salty crumbs

with the merest bite
they only satisfy
part of my tongue

(rented room, cigarettes)

so I pick up the chocolate
greedy for it to melt
against my palate

sucking the firm square
feeling it mold to me
the way I imagine

my body molds to yours

(rented room, cigarettes)

retaining the character of sweetness
to complement the salt
to balance my mouth

I am eating chocolate
thinking of us
together

(rented room, cigarettes)

illustration mockingbird mimus polyglottos

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Love Kills

love-kills 2

Love Kills

My adversary and his minions usually attacked me right after we all got off the school bus in our small neighborhood. I’d be walking home, trying to pretend it wasn’t happening, but still hearing the sweaty, red-faced boys from my small neighborhood draw together and trail at my heels like a pack of wolves, barking. I was a dog-girl, they taunted me in my own language. I’ve wasted too much time trying to figure out this cruelty; and at the same time I can’t stop myself wondering why – falling into the black chasm of shame. Ugliness. Who defines it?

I love the idea of a man, regardless.

One of this group of horrid bullies was the first boy I ever kissed. That was the result of a game of spin-the-bottle, behind the holly bushes at the end of the canal. The trashy, sandy space between the seawall and the bowling alley parking lot, where the branches of the mangroves trailed down into the murky water like the sad arms of ghosts. He kissed me there. His lips were wet, trembling, soft as a child’s, and softer than mine. Why’d he kiss me, then? That’s what I’ve asked a thousand times. How often are we tested, and found wanting, and given another chance to learn? As many times as it takes. Neither Heaven nor Hell throw souls away. Souls are the green energy of the cosmos. Protect yours from those who would use, abuse, and dispose of yours.

I love the idea of a man, regardless.

Did you ever kiss someone you wouldn’t be caught dead with in daily life? The answer is yes. You all did; everyone does. But, following your mistake, did you then gather up your friends and acquaintances and confront that (unfortunately) kissed person daily? Did you, and a gang of six to ten of your closest friends, pant and bark at that person as a pack of relentless, nipping wild dogs, depositing flecks of their own frothy spittle onto the back of that person’s fleeing, burning neck? Did you then taunt that ugly person with your ugly sounds of ugliness every single ugly day for an ugly year, or two? Each time it happened, it threatened to swamp my tiny little life, which already sucked for reasons I will not go into here and now.

I love the idea of a man, regardless.

I beat that ugliness which was thrust into my face like a chunk of petrified dogshit… back and back and back… with the mental & emotional equivalent of a baseball bat, a tennis racket, a golf club, a shield, a mirror, a fantasy. My job was to strap that ugly shit into a straightjacket and lock it in the asylum of the mind. On better days my adversary wasn’t cruel, but fast and solid, like when I bounced against him in a crowded game of flashlight tag. His immovable, sweaty arms encircled me that late spring twilight, and though I wriggled and strained to get away, I wondered what it was like; making love with a boy, how it would feel, our naked bodies pressed together, his aroused skin slipping into my aroused skin, male into female, a warm knife into butter. If organized bullying is the modern equivalent of hair pulling… count me out.

I love the idea of a man, regardless.

Counterpoint to my adversary’s cruelty were the sweet, funny, flirty boys seated on both sides of me at the back of the room in seventh-grade English class, a tall one and a tiny one just like Mutt & Jeff. These boys wore their clothes confidently, as if the cloth covering them wasn’t important, wasn’t doing them any favors. The way their smooth skin flowed out of their shirtsleeves made me crazy. It was as if women were a part of them, not something foreign. The taller of the boys once reached out and touched my ass, not sly or shy, just placing his open palm against my turned hip like it was a loaf of bread. He never, ever looked my way without smiling.

I love the idea of a man, regardless.

A few years later, I was almost raped. I made a mistake and went to this older guy’s apartment, as clean and tidy as a church. That guy climbed atop me again and again, rumpling his king-sized, black satin-sheeted bed. It seemed as though hours went by, my legs protecting me like twin automatic pistons, pushing his nude weight off and away. He didn’t become violent; finally he quit trying. But later, I let him teach me how to kiss. To leave off a man’s mouth slowly, gently, instead of rising away like a slap interrupted. The sweetest postlude I ever had? A male model who brought me a warm, wet washcloth, after. His whole body was as hard and smooth and glossy as a horse’s. He held my knees up and softly swabbed me like a baby. I never saw him again.             And, ladies and gentlemen, devotees of love… is there any other kind but the kind that kills? Love is not a lifetime, money-back guarantee.

I love the idea of a man, regardless.

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How Art Thou Received? (a prayer for refugees)

How Art Thou Received? (a prayer for refugees)

Imagine: suddenly, without warning (because that is how war arrives) you are a war refugee! Simply running away from being murdered. And how are you received when you can finally stop running, when you are out of range of the guns, the bombs, the blood? No countries to take you. No one to feed you. You are a skeletal pawn in a skeletal game.

Embalmed corpses declare war on the living and fight for their “territory” against other embalmed corpses using armies of young people; embalmed corpses feeding on fresh, young blood.

I know something is very wrong, somewhere. It must be addressed, and addressed properly. Our prayer, our incantation, our spell to heal, must be more powerfully crafted, more distilled, more essential, than was the horrid spell we are trying to break: a tradition of might over right, strong but wrong, a spell of ignorance which has caused so much harm, and is trying to do more… powered by the love of power, the love of control over people.

The scarred parts of the heart can be replenished; the broken parts, glued; the weak parts, strengthened; the fear assuaged, the pain relieved. But the desire to change, to truly alchemize oneself, spin that straw into gold… the gold of the sun… the silver of the stars… the red planet… the North Star… primal navigation by looking not at the ground, but by looking up, to the sky… that kind of desire doesn’t visit often.

If you want to know where you are going, be sure your map is accurate, or at least doesn’t kill you. Migrating birds know this. Power & Liberation. Slave & free. Joy & Suffering. High & low.

Craving slaves, some are trying to roll us back to serfdom, only they can use our own science & technology to rape us! Serfdom: tied by birth to land. You are a pawn, a source of income; in thrall to your Lord and Master. Freeing serfs is always a struggle. Brute force arm-wrestles the human race, and brute force often pins people to the mat, but… you cannot keep people down for long. The oppressed will continue to spring up and defend their inalienable human rights. All people are created equal: including our ancestors, who existed long before the self-anointed first “private property” owners. Human beings are endowed by their creator with certain inalienable rights, yes? The earth cannot belong to any one of us. Period. We own this planet. All of us.

 

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president barack obama is being quoted out of context by the radical fringe right, and I’M SICK & FUCKING TIRED OF THIS SHIT

illustration president obama

the full text of president obama’s speech in which he advocates FOR democracy, not AGAINST it. a paragraph is being circulated, ENTIRELY OUT OF CONTEXT, to defame him. I WON’T STAND FOR THIS SHIT.

“And it was here in Europe, through centuries of struggle, through war and enlightenment, repression and revolution, that a particular set of ideals began to emerge, the belief that through conscience and free will, each of us has the right to live as we choose, the belief that power is derived from the consent of the governed and that laws and institutions should be established to protect that understanding.

And those ideas eventually inspired a band of colonialists across an ocean, and they wrote them into the founding documents that still guide America today, including the simple truth that all men, and women, are created equal.

But those ideals have also been tested, here in Europe and around the world. Those ideals have often been threatened by an older, more traditional view of power. This alternative vision argues that ordinary men and women are too small-minded to govern their own affairs, that order and progress can only come when individuals surrender their rights to an all-powerful sovereign. Often this alternative vision roots itself in the notion that by virtue of race or faith or ethnicity, some are inherently superior to others and that individual identity must be defined by us versus them, or that national greatness must flow not by what people stand for, but what they are against.

In so many ways, the history of Europe in the 20th century represented the ongoing clash of these two sets of ideas, both within nations and among nations. The advance of industry and technology outpaced our ability to resolve our differences peacefully. And even — even among the most civilized of societies on the surface, we saw a descent into barbarism.”

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Heavenly Dances, Heavenly Intimacies, a short story

illustration heavenly dances heavenly intimacies

Heavenly Dances, Heavenly Intimacies, a short story

“Isn’t there any heaven where old beautiful dances, old beautiful intimacies prolong themselves?”

Ford Madox Ford, The Good Soldier

How can I be “dead” to any of the men I once loved?  They are not “dead” to me.  Not even H.  How can I be “dead” to H.?  They — even H. — are each as alive as when I was with them; as alive as the first time they touched me, whether tentatively or with confidence; whether softly or roughly; whether with passion or mere lust.  It is shocking and appalling how H. lurched so radically to the right after 9/11.  He began that journey to the Tea-Party-Mad-Hatter-Neocon-Bill-Buckley-Wall-Street-Apologist-Fringe-Brainless-Faux-News-Right when Ronald Reagan was shot; I was with him the very night it happened.  We had a short affair, right then, because we started thinking the end of the world had arrived and we decided, like the crazy college students we were, to get married to celebrate our courage in the face of chaos!  I realized very early on (but still way too late!) I was embarrassed to be seen in public with him.  Did you ever start seeing, and marry someone whom you later realized you were embarrassed to be seen with?  Perhaps the person in question was “dorky,” “geeky,” dressed “badly,” or had questionable “taste.”  H. readily admits he was a “dork” in high school.  He was on the debate team; need I say more?  When you can’t bear to be seen in your lover’s/spouse’s/significant other’s/partner’s company, things usually don’t work out.

Still, I put in ten dutiful years, trying to make amends for my mistake in marrying H.  The second he started making the big bucks, he dumped me.  He left me for my best friend!  I guess I deserved it, not taking control of my own life & filing for divorce two weeks after we married.  And I guess I deserved how my ex-best-friend S. ruined me, as she subsequently did.  She was in charge of the whole group we had socialized with:  dictating how everyone in our “circle” should think, speak, act, or react.  H. was dead wrong about most everything, but, to his credit, he was dead right about her.  At the time I thought him merely woman-hating, but I see now, even though he did hate women, there was something more than simply being a “woman” he hated about her.  He was covering up the fact he loved her by pretending to hate her.  Now, I have no desire to see her, not ever again.  She is definitely “dead” to me.  Yes, I understand intellectually, a living death (call it shunning) can happen to anyone.

The upshot of all this boring history?  I’ve been waiting for something a long time.  I can’t blame anyone but myself for my unhappiness, not anymore.  There is something dispirited inside me, something empty, drained, and beaten — something sick, something tired, something that has surrendered.  I gave up, when?  When my first ex-husband arbitrarily said no to children, breaking his solemn vow.  When I realized I couldn’t find happiness outside myself — not with an old love, not with a new love, not with any of my subsequent husbands, my friends, my eventual children, or my family.  Yes, to casual acquaintances and virtual strangers I am “happy, happier than I’ve ever been.”  And it’s true!  I’ve never been this happy, this contented, in my life.  Yes, there are still problems.  My oldest son is still half the world away, fighting an endless war on behalf of my “country.”  My youngest son still has an ignorant, racist, rabidly conservative father.  I am getting old.  My face is melting.  My neck is turning into a wattle.  I am drooping.

Still, I cannot imagine any of them, the men I have loved or made love to, being dead to me the way my former best friend, S., is dead to me.  Yet that is how they must feel about me, the way I feel about her.  Wanting her removed from my memories.  Wanting never to have met her.  Not missing anything about her.  She wants to see me, I heard from a mutual friend I still speak to.  I don’t want to see her, or even see the mutual friend.  I don’t even want to get as close as that!  Because of reasons.  Top secret, NSA, DOD, CIA, FBI, SEC, IRS, FDLE, GPD, ACSO reasons!  No further comment!

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Bill Whittle (William Alfred Whittle), “PJTV” ultra-right-wing, neocon “media darling”… owes the government a BUNCH of money! he always did expect the world owed him a living… hypocrisy in the Corporate States of Amerka has been brewing for a long, long time. Since Ronald Wilson Reagan, good old “666,” as we used to call him!

illustration bill whittle tax deadbeat

RECORD 1

CIVIL RECORD VERIFICATION: CONFIRM CASE # 20101300981 AT THE COURT HOUSE

Defendant:        Whittle, William              Case Number:   20101300981

Filing Type:        County Tax Lien              Entity Type:       Individual Record

Filing Date:         20100915           Amount Liability:            $93.00

Address:             12611 Pacific Ave #102  City:      Los Angeles

State:    Ca          Zip:        90066

Plaintiff:              County Of Los Angeles   Court Code:       Calosc1

Court Name:      La County / Recorder Of Deeds Action Type:      County Tax Lien

RECORD 2

CIVIL RECORD VERIFICATION: CONFIRM CASE # 199033123 AT THE COURT HOUSE

Defendant:        Whittle, William              Case Number:   199033123

Filing Type:        Federal Tax Lien – Income           Entity Type:       Individual Record

Filing Date:         19901200           Amount Liability:            $25,922.00

Address:             12659 Rd 36       City:      Madera

State:    Ca          Zip:        93637

Plaintiff:              Usa Irs  Court Code:       Ca173

Court Name:      Merced County, Merced Recorders Office           Unlawful Detainer:            N

RECORD 3

CIVIL RECORD VERIFICATION: CONFIRM CASE # 2003854138 AT THE COURT HOUSE

Defendant:        Whittle, William              Case Number:   2003854138

Filing Type:        Federal Tax Lien – Income           Entity Type:       Individual Record

Filing Date:         19950200           Amount Liability:            $26,422.00

Address:             12659 Rd 36       City:      Madera

State:    Ca          Zip:        93637

Plaintiff:              Usa Irs  Court Code:       Ca173

Court Name:      Merced County, Merced Recorders Office           Unlawful Detainer:            N

RECORD 4

CIVIL RECORD VERIFICATION: CONFIRM CASE # 199126935 AT THE COURT HOUSE

Defendant:        Whittle, William              Case Number:   199126935

Filing Type:        Federal Tax Lien – Income           Entity Type:       Individual Record

Filing Date:         19911000           Amount Liability:            $50,217.00

Address:             3765 W Mckinley            City:      Fresno

State:    Ca          Zip:        93722

Plaintiff:              Usa Irs  Court Code:       Ca173

Court Name:      Merced County, Merced Recorders Office           Unlawful Detainer:            N

RECORD 5

CIVIL RECORD VERIFICATION: CONFIRM CASE # 2003323754 AT THE COURT HOUSE

Defendant:        Whittle, William              Case Number:   2003323754

Filing Type:        Eviction With $ Amount Entity Type:       Individual Record

Filing Date:         20060629           Amount Liability:            $812.00

Address:             8405 Rio San Diego Dr Apt 5114 City:      San Diego

State:    Ca          Zip:        92108

Plaintiff:              Sares Regis Holdings Inc              Court Code:       Ca235

Unlawful Detainer:         Y

RECORD 6

CIVIL RECORD VERIFICATION: CONFIRM CASE # 20080584715 AT THE COURT HOUSE

Defendant:        Whittle, William A          Case Number:   20080584715

Filing Type:        Federal Tax Lien              Entity Type:       Individual Record

Filing Date:         20080404           Amount Liability:            $14,149.00

Address:             12611 Pacific Av #102    City:      Los Angeles

State:    Ca          Zip:        90066

Plaintiff:              Internal Revenue Service             Court Code:       Calosc1

Court Name:      La County / Recorder Of Deeds Action Type:      Federal Tax Lien

RECORD 7

CIVIL RECORD VERIFICATION: CONFIRM CASE # 20090343392 AT THE COURT HOUSE

Defendant:        Whittle, William A          Case Number:   20090343392

Filing Type:        State Tax Lien    Entity Type:       Individual Record

Filing Date:         20090311           Amount Liability:            $6,784.00

Address:             12611 Pacific Av #102    City:      Los Angeles

State:    Ca          Zip:        90066

Plaintiff:              State Of California          Court Code:       Calosc1

Court Name:      La County / Recorder Of Deeds Action Type:      State Tax Lien

RECORD 8

CIVIL RECORD VERIFICATION: CONFIRM CASE # 20101659997 AT THE COURT HOUSE

Defendant:        Whittle, William A          Case Number:   20101659997

Filing Type:        County Tax Lien              Entity Type:       Individual Record

Filing Date:         20101118           Amount Liability:            $3,859.00

Address:             12611 Pacific Av #102    City:      Los Angeles

State:    Ca          Zip:        90066

Plaintiff:              County Of Los Angeles   Court Code:       Calosc1

Court Name:      La County / Recorder Of Deeds Action Type:      County Tax Lien

RECORD 9

CIVIL RECORD VERIFICATION: CONFIRM CASE # 20110604035 AT THE COURT HOUSE

Defendant:        Whittle, William A          Case Number:   20110604035

Filing Type:        Federal Tax Lien Release             Entity Type:       Individual Record

Filing Date:         20080404           Amount Liability:            $14,149.00

Address:             12611 Pacific Av #102    City:      Los Angeles

State:    Ca          Zip:        90066

Plaintiff:              Internal Revenue Service             Court Code:       Calosc1

Court Name:      La County / Recorder Of Deeds Action Type:      Federal Tax Lien

RECORD 10

CIVIL RECORD VERIFICATION: CONFIRM CASE # 20110604673 AT THE COURT HOUSE

Defendant:        Whittle, William A          Case Number:   20110604673

Filing Type:        State Tax Lien Release   Entity Type:       Individual Record

Filing Date:         20090311           Amount Liability:            $6,784.00

Address:             12611 Pacific Av #102    City:      Los Angeles

State:    Ca          Zip:        90066

Plaintiff:              State Of California          Court Code:       Calosc1

Court Name:      La County / Recorder Of Deeds Action Type:      State Tax Lien

RECORD 11

CIVIL RECORD VERIFICATION: CONFIRM CASE # 20110671881 AT THE COURT HOUSE

Defendant:        Whittle, William A          Case Number:   20110671881

Filing Type:        Federal Tax Lien Release             Entity Type:       Individual Record

Filing Date:         20101118           Amount Liability:            $3,859.00

Address:             12611 Pacific Av #102    City:      Los Angeles

State:    Ca          Zip:        90066

Plaintiff:              Internal Revenue Service             Court Code:       Calosc1

Court Name:      La County / Recorder Of Deeds Action Type:      Federal Tax Lien

RECORD 12

CIVIL RECORD VERIFICATION: CONFIRM CASE # 2003C009034 844 AT THE COURT HOUSE

Defendant:        Whittle, William A          Case Number:   2003C009034 844

Filing Type:        Civil Judgment   Entity Type:       Individual Record

Filing Date:         20000700           Amount Liability:            $6,379.00

Address:             3765 Mckinley W            City:      Fresno

State:    Ca          Zip:        93722

Plaintiff:              Intl Cr   Court Code:       Ca059

Court Name:      Fresno County, Fresno Municipal Court Unlawful Detainer:              N

RECORD 13

CIVIL RECORD VERIFICATION: CONFIRM CASE # 20100007635 AT THE COURT HOUSE

Defendant:        Whittle, William J           Case Number:   20100007635

Filing Type:        State Tax Lien    Entity Type:       Individual Record

Filing Date:         20100105           Amount Liability:            $4,949.00

Address:             4267 Marina City Dr #504            City:      Marina Del Rey

State:    Ca          Zip:        90292

Plaintiff:              State Of California          Court Code:       Calosc1

Court Name:      La County / Recorder Of Deeds Action Type:      State Tax Lien

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